Month: February 2017

The Power of Saying “I Can’t”

I can generally see to the heart of a tangled myth, but I miss simple things that are right in front of my face. Things that are very obvious to others. It’s like some kind of insight dissonance.

This week I realized the power of saying “I can’t” – something others probably figured out long ago. “I can’t” is different from saying “no”. Saying “I can’t” is recognizing when I have no choice, and surrendering to that. Just accepting my own limitations, instead of fighting (again) what I won’t defeat (again).

This week’s “I can’t” was in the realm of sustainable spirit and sustainable body. It acknowledges that I can’t sustain a relationship that consistently wakes me up at 3 a.m.   

It’s my way to wake at 3 a.m., unable to sleep, when a relationship or other issue is bothering me. During those early hours, I am generally sitting at the kitchen table, trying to decide whether to make coffee or not, and going over all the ubiquitous guidelines: you can’t change others, you can only change yourself. And let go of the past – it’s just information.

And underneath my inability to go back to sleep is the feeling that gee, I’ve done an awful lot of work to still be someone who struggles with things at 3 a.m.  Do I really have to wait until my next lifetime to get this? To be the wise woman who deals with every challenge with equanimity?

No, I don’t have to wait to get it. I can claim equanimity, if I acknowledge “I can’t.”

This week’s 3 a.m. “I can’t” realization – I need more distance in a relationship in my life. A relationship that brings drama, and is lacking in personal responsibility. But it’s important to say – this isn’t about what the other person is doing wrong. If they were solid, had healthy relationship processes, were impeccable – but being in relationship with them still kept me from sleeping – I’d need to say I can’t be in relationship with them, either. It’s not about others being wrong; it’s about acknowledging my own nature and limitations, not as they should be, but just as they are.

I do believe what’s put before me is for my growth, and a gift – whatever form it takes. Saying “I can’t” doesn’t relieve me of responsibility for my actions or choices. But it lets me deal with my life from a place of at least having gotten enough sleep. It’s admitting I’m human, and in admitting that I’m human, setting myself free of expectations that I’m not.

So this week, yes, there’s a relationship moving out of my life. I hope I can navigate that without undue pain to someone else, or to me. But it’s moving out, because I accept that I can’t do this (my life) any other way. I’m finally acknowledging “I can’t” because hours awake in the wee hours of the morning have taught me – it’s the only sustainable thing for me to do.

Blessings of this Pisces eclipse, to those who seek the balance between accountability and sustainability.

 

Blessed Imbolc

It is Imbolc, here in the Northern hemisphere – festival of hearth and home, divination, candles and firelight. A time for cleaning house –

Cleaning house. Like many of those I know on this path, as our country continues to grow more chaotic, I am turning to hearth and home for some sense of grounding and comfort. One friend noted he was baking bread. Another is selling things she no longer needs or wants. I am sorting and organizing my shelves. I wish I could sort and organize on a much, much greater scale – a national scale – but while I can do what I can do, I don’t have an impact that’s as far-reaching as I’d like.

I’m not just sorting and organizing things, but also thoughts. I am always interested in the ways I am conflicted as a witch and a woman. There’s a lot of insight into what we feel conflicted about, I think, and even more insight into what form that conflictedness takes.

I have been conflicted about trusting myself again, after the crash and burn of the election. I never saw it coming (a common lament that I share with most of my friends). What does a witch do, when Her power is so needed, but she feels disempowered?

For myself – the last weeks have taught me to let myself flow intuitively and feel whatever is up – anger, helplessness and disbelief, some days. And today, at this celebration of light and home, and the simple things that make life worthwhile, I’m allowing myself to feel joy in simple things. Right now, connecting to joy, when I can, is the key to sustainable spirit, for me.

My Imbolc corn dolly is one of those things – made a decade ago, braided crown, gold thread, a shell to mark her powers to create and rejuvenate. Today, I take joy in Her, and in the simple and not-so-simple things she means to me. Women have been crafting these dolls in various ways for centuries – we endure. In the simple act of braiding and shaping the wet, softened husks, I remember the connection I felt to the Goddess. No one can take that away from me.

Blessed Imbolc to you. May whatever you feel conflicted about inform you. May the growing light show you what it is you need to sustain you.